Loving yourself is no easy feat

As appeared in the "Ear to the ground" column
The Sun – Feb 6, 2001

Did you watch the episode of Ally McBeal three weeks back? It was the one where Ally had been going out with a new guy when Billy – Ally’s ex, for all you non-couch potatoes out there – told her he still loved her, and then kissed her. That was not all, though, for when they had to see a shrink together, Billy said something that, truthfully, none of us really wants to hear. He said Ally would never be happy with herself and he had left her because love was wasted on her.
I thought that was really sad. Depressing, as well, because it hit very close to home. Have you ever heard of a saying equivalent to "The things you hate in others are actually those you hate in yourself"? I believe this is true, and since I’m so intolerant with the failings of others, I feel it’s only a manifestation of all the angst about myself.
It’s not about physical failings, since I’ve never seriously considered having breast implants or injecting collagen in my lips for a sexy pout (like Ally), though I did suffer the embarrassment of railroad tracks for nearly two years I order to straighten my teeth. I have wished I was taller, preferably a six-foot goddess, voluptuous and classically beautiful, but I have practically resigned myself to being short, petite and flat as a board.
No, this is more a question of personality and character. Basically, I hate myself for not being the person that I think I should be, in terms of religion and culture. That affects everything else, including relationships and work.
Think about it. Who in their right mind would not like a soft-spoken, well-mannered little miss instead of the Malay equivalent of Shakespeare’s shrew, Katerina Stratford? Never mind if I have certain talents or charms (or people say) that might make me likeable. I think if people get down to knowing the real me, they would be appalled at what they find. And that thought just makes me more angry at myself and mean and impatient to others. The vicious cycle goes on.
A friend once asked me if it wasn’t enough that someone cares for me? Would it not be enough to stop me from destroying my life with all my bad habits? Sad as it is, care and love would, indeed, be wasted on me right now because what life and happiness actually boil down to is all this "loving thyself" thing. No one would ever be happy if all he thinks he’s striving for in life are dependent on factors which are beyond his control.
I’ve always put stipulations on my happiness and these may sound familiar to you as well; "I would be happier at work when I get a car/computer/more money"; "I would be fulfilled and happy when I get a boyfriend/husband"; or "If only my family were more supportive, I would not have this 'L' on my forehead."
No, it does not work like that because being happy is dependent on two things: being happy with who you are and having the strength to change whatever you do not like in order to make that happen.
And yes, people have tried to drum that into my thick skull. But learning something – even about yourself – is one thing, putting it into practice is absolutely something else which does not follow automatically. Try as I might to change in the blink of an eye or to do this just by singing along to Whitney Houston’s Greatest Love of All, it’s not going to be easy.
It took me almost 26 years and a television comedy series to realise insecurities about myself have held me down. Who knows how long it is going to take to change a particular mindset?
In the meantime, though, I’ll be keeping an eye on Ally to see how she copes. Hey, she may just be a made-up character, but the people behind the storyline really know what they are talking about.
At the end of Ally’s – and my own – revelation hour, she vowed that she would someday love herself enough to be happy.
You know what? So did I.

Little Devil's note, March 5, 2009: Eight years on, and she's still learning to cope with life, the universe and everything.